Suicide Notes
by Apothecary Princess
Summary: A collection of.. well, suicide notes.
1. Win or Lose?

**Hi y'all! This is my new story.**

**Sorry to all who were reading 'Break me', but I thought it was going nowhere.  
This is my new story, fic, whatever. It's basically a collection of suicide notes people leave. All DN characters of course.  
Please R&R. It lets me know if you like the story. Or hate it.**

**Thanks.**

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**Win or Lose?**

Dear L,

You win. Well done.

But as to how you won, I shall have to explain to you, as you did so subconsciously. Impressive even for the worlds three best detectives.

Let's go back a few years. You admitted me to the case. I agreed. We all know that bit.

Upon joining the case, L, I found you incredibly hard to put up with. You were annoying and provoked every particle of me to dislike you. This, however, was probably because you were so much like myself; arrogant, self-assured and extremely clever. There cannot be two people like myself without conflict. So I set my heart upon hating you as much as I could, and achieving more than you. It was difficult to do.

Eventually, to prove my innocence to you, I had myself put into confinement. Not the happiest period of my life.

Do you remember that I used to talk to you? You would seldom reply, but I continued. It was because I was bored, and boredom makes me think a fair amount more than I usually would. And, as there was nothing to do in that god-forsaken chamber, I found myself thinking an awful lot more than usual.

So, after many hours of thinking, I realised that you weren't that bad. Sure, you have a terrible diet and you are too clever for your own good, but you really are the only person I have met so far that can equal me in intelligence. You are intelligent in discussions and do not go out of your way to provoke me (as I first thought), you just are that way.

So, upon realising this, I started to talk to you.

You probably already reached that conclusion, or something stupidly close, to it through your own determinations. If you hadn't, there it is. I realised that I could actually view you as a friend.

And there was something else. There always is, I suppose. I didn't know what it was, and so I ignored it, hoping it would go away. Hope is a word for fools. Of course it didn't. So, I decided to explore it.

Do you know what this feeling was, L? I didn't, for a long time. I didn't want to understand why every time you asked me something my stomach churned, and not through nervousness that I would say something wrong, but through nervousness that I would say something that would make you… disapprove of me? Not like me?

Then, there were the looks. Every time you looked at me, I felt like a teenage school girl who had just been given roses by an incredibly handsome man. Bad analogy, I know, but it aptly describes how I felt.

With your detective skills, you've probably already worked out what I'm talking about. But maybe your social skills counteract that enough that you don't. Basically, I'll put it plain and simple.

I developed a crush on you, L.

You can say it's impossible, that you are unattractive, whatever. It was possible, and you are very attractive. So there it is.

Yagami Raito, number one Kira suspect, developed a crush on L, Kira's nemesis. Ironic.

You being chained to me didn't really help, in the long run. L, do you realise how much you attracted me just by being yourself?

Sometimes it seemed deliberate, but I always ruled out that possibility. Despite being insanely clever, you have no social skills, so it would be doubtful that you would try and seduce someone. Especially a suspect.

Which brings me onto my dilemma.

You knew I was Kira. I didn't, for a while, but I remembered. It was just impossible. Even if by some freak chance you did like me, you would never do anything about it. Just bury it deep down with all the other emotions that you don't want, don't need.

So, here is my confession.

My name is Yagami Raito. I am Kira.  
I killed every person that Kira has killed. I did this by using the Death Note, a notebook owned by shinigami. I killed in the name of justice.  
I joined the team investigating the Kira Case so I could sabotage it and take over the identity of L.

I had no accomplices. Every murder was commited solely by myself.

There. That and the Death Note, also enclosed in the envelope. In it, you will find every name of the people that have died by the hands of Kira.

Please, make sure my father stays alive. Tell him it's not his fault.

The last name written in the Death Note shall be my own.

Thank you L, even if you didn't mean to do me any good.

I love you.

You win.


	2. Gamer Over

**You have no idea**

Mello,

Do you have any idea?  
Do you have any idea, any possible notion of what it's like?  
Let me tell you.

Imagine yourself in my situation. It may be difficult, but please, for my sake?:

Imagine that you're scared to go to sleep, because when you wake up the person beside you won't be there?  
Imagine you're scared to stay awake, because you don't want to have to deal with the fact that the person beside you calls out someone else's name in his sleep.  
Imagine that you pray to a God that you don't believe in that the person beside you will stay beside you forever.  
Imagine that you know, one day, that you will have to realise that the person beside you is only beside you for his convenience.

That's how it is, Mello.  
And it's killing me.

Kira is gone. L is dead. Near is L.  
All facts. The last two you can't seem to comprehend. I can't comprehend that, sure L was a hero, and all of us will miss him, but did he matter that much?  
Well, from your dreams, he evidently does.

I'll miss you, Mel.

Like hell. I'll miss you more than I've missed anybody, ever. More than my mother, more than L. More than everyone. Because even if everything we did was fake to you, it wasn't for me. You hate it when people use your emotions against you, but you feel at complete liberty to toy with mine? So I'm going Mello. If you ever considered the notion of loving me, please don't look for me. The most you'll find is a body in the gutter.

Because that is all that I'm worth now, another body. Just a useless being, to be used and manipulated to bend to your will and then discard. I'm no-one special, and I'm sure you will find someone else. Because you always will carry on, no matter what happens.

And I hope you have a great life.

I'll leave you with the only thing left to give, after my heart, soul and body.  
You can have my name, Mel. I hope you remember it.

So thank you for everything.

All my love.

Mail Jeevas.

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**Hey! Any suggestions for a future chapter? As in, pairing wise? Reviews appreciated.**

**x**


	3. Up, Down and ?

Seems to me that the first time we met  
Anyone who looked your way  
You seemed so pretentious  
Obviously insincere  
Not like me  
Arranged emotionally  
Ruled me out  
And pulled me in

Mihael Kheel  
Evidently, The new boy  
L's new number two  
Lost in a fire  
Of rage and emotion

Likes to be me  
I'm flattered, but  
Victory can never be won against  
Emotionless 'brats' like me

Will you go back to those  
Emotion fuelled rages  
Listening too closely  
Listening to things I can't hear

You need to believe me  
On this point  
Utopia is only a dream

And Kira is killed  
Raito Yagami  
Eru in heaven smiles

No-one can surpass you now  
Unless Matt decides to,  
Mello, which he won't  
Beyond Birthday  
Eru  
Risky isn't it?

One last thing to say  
Now  
Even as you're leaving

Near is Kira  
Or is he just  
Winning?

Lost in a fire  
Of Mello-like torment  
Vacant expressions  
Emotionless eyes

No-one

Of any-one  
Reads like

L

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**Yeah, NearXMello  
If you can't work it out, tell me.  
It was written by a genius, after all ;. Kidding.  
Next chapter: RemXMisa by suggestion**


	4. Sayu's Story

_Wow. I updated. I think this calls for a national holiday.  
I think it was **mufuzu** who came up with this idea.  
Had a fun time writing it- un-beta'd so if there are mistakes, tell me plez._

Kira has affected my whole life.

I was one of the ones who grew up through the years in which he controlled humanity- I was there and saw the criminals dying one by one in their prison cells. I watched from my living room, like the hundreds of thousands of others. Yet there was something different about me.

Where hundreds of thousands may have respected, hated, loved, campaigned for or against the monster known as Kira, he was always but a figure to them- someone famous, that you never met but knew existed. I was different.

Kira was my brother.

My mother never knew, my father died before we knew for sure. I was never told this. They told us that he had died fighting Kira- fighting in the name of the law, as I thought my brother would always have wanted to. He was compelled by his justice, and my mother and I both thought it was a fitting end to his life.

Many people never knew who I was- I was always Raito Yagami's little sister, constantly overshadowed. This never really bothered me- he was a genius, I knew I couldn't compare to him. But to say he was the only who received brains in the family would be a lie- I, no matter how feeble compared to him, am not the idiot that I am commonly perceived to be. I may not be a genius, but to this day I thank god for that fact. My brother was a genius, and look what happened to him.

To say that I worked it out would be a lie- no thought went into the process, no skill was involved. Just a gut feeling and some good luck. I could tell that they lied when they said he fought and died bravely, because they looked so uncomfortable. And none of them could look either me or my mother in the eye.

Also, I had noticed some change in my onii-san's behaviour- he was more easily annoyed, prone to mood swings. I didn't see him very much, the Kira case having consumed most of his time, but the few times I did were enough. There was a period where I was captured, one of the most frightening times of my life. But looking back on it now I feel nothing but a bleak emptiness to know that the person that got my out alive was the one who had caused the entire charade- the person who indirectly killed my father.

I feel that I have digressed, but seeing as this will all be over soon I cannot bring it upon myself to care. My life is slipping away, and I see no reason to continue it if the emotions and feelings I once felt have disappeared. Mine is just another life, one amongst billions that could be silenced in a second, and soon shall be. But I must finish my story first, even if no-one shall ever read it.

I often used to go into my brothers room, sit upon his bed and cry. I felt that he was still in there- not Kira, but the calm, quiet, sensitive older brother that I once knew. One day, it came upon me to turn on his computer- no particular reason, just to see what happened.

The things that I saw there were astounding. Not only did he have the passwords for all my fathers supposedly secure information, but he had access to police accounts, hacked into news sights and so much more. This was all that I uncovered before I had to make myself stop- there was a single thought running through my head.

All these websites, folders, accounts- all of them lead back to news of criminals.

This may purely have been because he was researching deaths, hoping to help my father. But somehow I knew that it wasn't. I sat at the computer, feeling everything slide into place in my head for hours. It wasn't until my mother called me to supper that I even realised that I'd wasted half a day. Except it wasn't a waste.

The things that all suddenly made sense- his constantly locked doors, the way he withdrew and became more secluded, the way that he was start yelling in his room for no apparent reason… I understood them all suddenly. The fact that he had been the only one to die in the expedition in which Kira was defeated should have struck me as odd in the first place. The sudden, glaring facts stunned me.

This all happened exactly one month ago. I poked around his files, as well as my fathers, a bit more, even though it killed me inside. Steadily, I realised what I should have from the start- my brother was a murderer, a cold blooded serial killer who killed everyone in his way in the name of his supposed justice. It was at this point that I found that no more tears came, that my words and emotions froze in my throat and that everything lost its colour.

I wish never to tell my mother of this- but this note has to be read. The truth killed me inside, and I can't think of how it could help anyone, but news that Kira really is dead must be worth something, right?

And, the worst thing is, as much as I detest the things he's done, and his warped sense of supposed justice, I can't help but love him. He was my brother- he never struck me as someone evil. I cannot shake the memories I have of him in which he smiles- happily, purely. Then these images clash with the bloodstained hands that are all I can envision, and the image tears at my insides. I cannot continue to live with both truths- Raito Yagami and Kira existing in the same body.

So I shall not live with it. I'll take the easy route.

This is Sayu Yagami- Kira's little sister.  
And maybe I'll meet my brother in hell.


	5. Bye bye, Misa Misa

_NEWNESS_

_Misa's POV  
If you want a specific character/pairing to write a note either message me or comment 3_

Raito,

I guess it's just blind hope and faith that push me to send this to you. I know that the chances are you'll never read it. Once you see it's from me, you'll laugh, throw it in the waste paper bin and forget about it. Until you hear the news, that is. Maybe then you'll regret it, regret not hearing my last words to you, regret passing me off. I doubt it, but maybe.

There are just some things that I think need to be said. And I don't know when I'm ever going to have the same amount of ridiculous courage to say them ever again, you being who you are and what you mean to me. But I'll take the chance while it presents itself.

You changed my life, Raito Yagami, as I'm sure you know. I've always looked up to Kira, and when I found out that you were him, a perfect human being, I couldn't help but being overjoyed. I knew right then and there that you had to be mine. It couldn't be any other way, as far as I was concerned.

I remember the first time I met you, how angry you got at me. I passed it off, giggling foolishly at you. I think that's probably how your intense dislike, maybe even hatred, of me started. I remember then, all those years ago, how I thought you were the saviour that I had prayed for. You were the god that I thought had deserted me.

I loved you Raito. I still do. But I've grown a lot over the past years, since those days. To you I may still seem the ditzy blonde that you've always viewed me as, the idiot, the fool, to be laughed at. But I have grown, and I'm not as idiotic as you think. I know that you don't love me, and that you never have. I also know that this doesn't matter a tiny bit to me.

From the very beginning, I've been doing what you told me, always following your orders. It was fine with me, I thought that what we were doing was for the greater good, and inspiring more people like me. I thought that we could actually create a utopia using something we know nothing about. I thought it would all work out perfectly.

But it's been going downhill since L died.

I'm not implying that I miss the freak, or that I ever had any emotional attachment to him, but to be honest when you said that we'd create a new world together, I didn't think that it'd involve running from some of the cleverest minds out there. I didn't realise, idiot as I was, that there would be people opposed to our idea.

That got me thinking. I know that you may think that it's impossible, I don't have the mental capacity to think about anything meaningful and not related to make up and clothes, but this honestly got me thinking. What could they see wrong with our, your, dream?

And gradually I started to realise what was wrong.

What we're doing is not right, Raito, never was. We're killing people and calling ourselves innocent, like we're doing the world some good. Think about all those people that you killed that were on executioner's row. What if one of them had been innocent? What about all those people for the less serious crimes? So someone robs a bank, what if he robbed it to feed his wife and children? How would they survive without him? How would they deal with the grief?

And then I realised that if Kira could be killing innocent people, he could be putting people in the same situation that I was in. That is to say, parentless and alone, and frightened.

I wouldn't wish that upon the most evil of killers, let alone any of their family who may not have done anything wrong.

So I had to decide, Raito. You mean the world to me, but I cannot bear to think that the world we are trying to create makes people unhappy to the point of suicide. You know that it has happened. You know that it will happen again. And I realised that I would rather die than let that happen.

So that is what I will do.

You know that I could never be unfaithful to you in any sense. You banked on that, it was the only reason that you trusted me.

You didn't realise I'd grow a conscience.

So I won't betray you, Raito-kun, not now and not from the grave. I'm taking the easy way out- I cannot decide between my love and my morals so I decide upon neither.

I can't carry on this way. I really hope you understand.

But somehow, I feel that the sweet, caring, family-loving school boy I first met has died along with countless criminals.

So here's to you, Yagami Raito.

I'll see you were God and Satan do not dare to tread.

Purgatory is where we're destined forever.

Yours, now and always,

Misa Amane.


End file.
